New Year, Same Grief

I had survived Christmas. And not only had I survived, but I’d been very planful and mindful about it, finding tangible ways to include my baby. But New Year’s? New Year’s caught me off guard that first year. It felt like an assault with so many people ready to leave the year behind, to start fresh with their resolutions and goals on the horizon. The innocuous counting down, the celebrating, the gall of it all; to so boldly go along with time, when time for me had completely stopped. New year, same grief.

My already weary heart could not handle the idea of entering a new year, a different year than the one in which I was pregnant with and gave birth to my beautiful baby. The year that we coexisted. The year in which I held her, kissed her, sang to her, loved on her. The year that my baby lived. And the year that she died, held close in the arms of her Mommy and Daddy. It’s her year. And now I have to leave it? It’s shocking how something so simple as the flip of a calendar can carry so much weight.  

It took a lot of prayer, reflection, counseling, and tears to realize that yes, it will be a new year. A different year. But no matter how much time passes, the love remains. I carry my baby with me, in my heart always, regardless of whether it is a new day, month, or year. And, it still feels extremely hard. It feels like I get farther away and closer to her all at once. But a new year is also another year. Another year to remember and honor my baby. Another 365 days of endless love for her, this year and for all the years to come.